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Čukica · Pridružen/-a: 04.11. 2006, 19:20 Prispevkov: 2810

Moji viri presihajo, dokler mi mož ne privleče domov novega Playboya, bom bolj tihcena. Za slovo še en sa brdovitog Balkana.

Pita inspekcija radnika u crnogorskoj tvornici:
"Koliko ljudi ovdje radi?"
"Sa šefom - deset."
" A bez šefa?"
"A, bogami, bez šefa - niko!"

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with HIS PENIS HANGING OUT.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

ancient circumcision

Čukica · Pridružen/-a: 04.11. 2006, 19:20 Prispevkov: 2810

Policaj je na obhodu in opazi v grmovju premikanje.

"Kdo je v grmovju?" vpraša.
"Johann Sebastian Bach"
"Takoj pridite vsi trije ven!" ukaže policaj.

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

Magnetizem in gravitacija

F=m.a

F=m.EMŠO

Enota za silo seksualne privlačnosti = 1 Bill

Čukica · Pridružen/-a: 04.11. 2006, 19:20 Prispevkov: 2810

Kaj se je zgodili z Georgom, saj menda ni zbolel?

Ali, bogobvarij, Zho. Čakam na nov štos.

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

Čukica · Pridružen/-a: 04.11. 2006, 19:20 Prispevkov: 2810

Allthough it would be a great pleasure to me if I could confirm that this "challenging mathematics" is my invention, I'm afraid it was only a copy-paste masterpiece. It is evident that you have taken up a "system approach" in your reply.

I am glad both you and George are well and insane enough, not to let this topic into the gutter. Angel

LP

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

For Politically Correct Friends:

"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."

For My Racist and Bigoted Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Naj dodam - lepe praznične dni, krščanske ali poganske, črne, bele, zelene, oranžne, žolte ali rdeče (rjave niso izpuščene slučajno), vam želi tudi Žo!

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
If there's no Christmas now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied,
"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Še 16 šal ...

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

How to Be a Good (US) Liberal

o You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
and You have to believe that:
o businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
o guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean Communists.
o there was no art before federal funding.
o global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
o gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
o the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
o the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
o hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.
o self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
o NRA (National Rifle Assotiation) is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU (American Civil Liberty Union) is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
o taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
o Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, Thomas Edison, and Alexander Graham Bell.
o standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
o Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Ted Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi are normal and are very nice people.
o George W. Bush and anyone who remotely likes him are the reincarnation of Hitler.
o the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
o conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.
o homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
o illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
o it's okay to give federal workers Christmas Day off but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."
o this message is a part of a

vast right wing conspiracy

George - republikanec?!

Še 15 šal

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

SHOPPING BAGS

goods ...

14 more to go ...

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

Subject: erudite
Adj. 1. erudite - having or showing profound knowledge; "a learned jurist"; "an erudite professor"
Synonyms: learned

Steven Wright is the famously erudite scientist and comic who once said:
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Še 13 ...

Zho · Pridružen/-a: 07.11. 2006, 21:39 Prispevkov: 824

TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN
TRUE STORY

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite passing ducks, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """""""""" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM """""""""" ! ! ! ! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of an explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.

And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
The dog is okay......doing fine.

countdown = -12

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